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My poor bubba Loo xox
Aussie Wordless Wednesday
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(Submissions close in 6d 19h 10m)>I don’t even want to write about this week here, but I need to let it out, I don’t know how to write it or what to write so I’m just gonna let it flow. This past week for me has been hell. After a couple of months of doing really well and finally feeling a little “normal” and on top of my game as a Mum, a Wife, a Homemaker, The Budget maker/keeper…. it. has. all. fallen. to. shit.
I have been letting things touch me, but roll by while I have been doing and feeling well…… but one too many ‘touches’ had me sliding down that miserable path to meet me worst and feared enemies Depression and Anxiety. And then all of those little touches that I thought I let roll on by, had ME rolling and snowballing out of control.
I am a person that when I let my guard down I give…. and I mean I GIVE BIG. I love and cherish and give my all to those I care about…. those that I think care about me. But unfortunately I have a habit of reading these people wrong some how, of thinking they would surely go above and beyond for me as I don’t think twice about doing for them. I am that person people confide in, turn to for help, for guidance, to vent, when they have no-one left to turn to. And yet despite this…. when they don’t need or want anything from me, I am just left hanging? Supposed to wait on the sidelines until my cue? I am SLAMMED by the cruel actions (or in most cases the in-actions) and realization that the scales are dramatically unbalanced and that I hold little to no worth to these people…. these family members , these friends, these pieces of my heart I have given away with what I thought was such care and caution to ensure this sort of thing will not continue to happen.
Do I not bother to let people in anymore, do I put all the walls back up? Retreat and not trust? Do I make shallow friendships and relationships, not investing myself into them? Do I need to not be me? Not care, not be kind, not give where people need to be given? It causes such intense pain that all I am and all I do is never quite enough…. or in the words of my Mumma maybe too much??
So obviously this started with someone close, hurting me intensely and once again left me asking the Q from my childhood “what is so wrong with me?”. Feeling so low, hurt and vulnerable with all my insecurities flooding back, my other relationships are scrutinized and picked to pieces, leaving me feel even worse.
Anxiety is rampant and depression has truly taken it’s hold, for the 1st time in months I struggle just thinking about Woodi going to work on Dogwatch, everything just becomes sooo much harder, sooo much heavier, sooo much less manageable…. Things like spending 2 hrs shopping for a well planned out list, to only have a mental blank on your new pin, find out Woolies don’t let you use the Credit side of a Debit card, your phone has once again been disconnected because your not receiving your bill so you can’t transfer the funds to an account you know the pin to….. get all the way home only to realise you saved that darn pin in your phone, knowing you’d probably forget! Reversing the bin down in your haste to get back to the shops (cos your not going to waste that 2 hrs of shopping), to get there and they haven’t refrigerated any of the cold items like they said… so you have to then go replace them all!!! OR budgeting down to the dollar so we can FINALLY take our kidlets to Dubbo Zoo and stay the weekend, only for Woodi to have a car accident on the weekend that not only wipes out the trip to the zoo but the School Holiday getaway to my Mum and Dad’s van with the kids while Woodi is working….. because now he needs to drive my car. OR having the dog escape the house while getting the kids out to the car to go to school when your already running late, having the kids chase after the dog down the street instead of getting in the car when you ask them too. The dog running even further away because it’s fun being chased by the kids who are being screamed at by their mother! Having to get the kids back and in the car so we can go hunt down the dog and take the kids to school. Having the kids crying because they think their mother is cruel for not letting them continue chasing after the ‘poor’ dog! Finding a sodden, muddy and grass covered dog, lifting him into the car and becoming wet, muddy and grass covered along with the car in the process. These things are so much harder to cope with when you are in that deep dark place, and make the world feel so stacked against you!
Then comes the call from my Mumma yesterday that my Grandmother is in hospital, she was taken by ambulance with a suspected Heart attack. She was in and out of tests all day to try and determine what was wrong. Her heart was given the all clear, but unfortunately that wasn’t the end of it. My Gran had Breast Cancer a little over a year ago and we all thought she had beaten it. Unfortunately the tingling and painful sensation she was experiencing is caused by the cancer spreading to her bones. Today I found out that it is in her ribs and all through her spine. There is nothing that can be done but to control the pain and keep her comfortable. She will be coming home at some stage in the next day or two and we will have more information on her condition and what can be expected for her. I feel for my (Step) Dad, he has already lost the amazing man that was his father, my Pop and now he is losing his Mother too.
I feel so terrible that I have been pouring myself into relationships that have fallen apart, when I could have been pouring energy and time into spending time with my Grandmother. My Grandmother who loves me unconditionally, whose day is lighted by a visit from my little family and I…. this is where my love, time and energy would have been better spent. For this I am so terribly sorry and I hope my Grandma knows how much I love her and can forgive me for my time ill spent. Please give me time to make it up to my Grandma, to bring light and love and happiness into her remaining days.
Wanting these unwanted tears to stop falling so constantly, this friggin elephant to kindly get off my chest and this brick to please vacate my stomache!!!
>This week I will try and take some photo’s of the meals I have made to post with next weeks menu. I have been giving my kidlets one on one cooking time with Mumma. It was a great week to start with Hubby being on afternoon shift and me here alone for the whole dinner scenario….Not – could have planned that a little better! But it was lovely to spend some quality time with my munchkins and teaching them some useful skills too.
This week in the Woodi residence we will be having……
We are having my Little Brother, Sister and ex-Step Mother (for lack of a better description) over for dinner :o) I am going to attempt some more Jamie Oliver cooking… Killer Jerk Chicken served with a Rice & Beans dish, a refreshing chopped salad and chargrilled corn. And whilst I am tempted to make some hot scrumptious desert I am going to make trifle again, because Woodi loved it and so will me kid sister and brother!!
Home-made Pizza and Garlic Bread – Kiddies loved making the pizza last week and it is a nice & easy and very yummy way to start off the weekend.
Roast Chicken – the Roast Chicken in a bag was a HUGE success last fortnight and a big hit with the whole family…. so naturally, we will be having it tonight mmmm with Roast vegies of course! For Roast vegies I do Pumpkin, Potato, Sweet Potato and Carrot, I also like to serve some steamed greens.
Chilli con carne – I like to do at least one mince dish per week as it is cheap and usually easy. I have half of the ingredients for this in my cupboard already, so this will be a super cheap, easy and yummy meal for a Sunday… I like easy when Hubby is heading out for his 1st Dogwatch shift of the week just after dinner!!
Butter Chicken served with Jasmine Rice and puppodums…. I love me some Indian cuisine! This is a family favorite that we haven’t had in quite a while, nothing like a good curry to warm you up! I like to add potato, potato and carrot to mine so that we have a little of the vegetable food group as well.
Pot Roast Beef & Vegies in the slow cooker – From the easy Slow cooker Cookbook. Can’t get enough of slow cooker meals in winter.
To finish off our week we will be having BBQ meats and finishing off an vegies we have left in the fridge before shopping for more.
Have a great week of cooking…..
>Mmm well the last week of dinners was a huge, yummy success in our home :o)
This week is the smaller budget week of our pay fortnight and so the meals aren’t as exciting or lavish, but feed my family of five and that is the ultimate goal. Here is what’s on the menu in the Woodi household this week:
Roast Lamb with Rosemary Gravy, in the slow cooker mmm more yummy meals with little production on my behalf while hubby is at work!!
Lasagne with vegies, my homemade lasagne is HUGE and gives us enough for 2 meals & serves for Hubby to take to work. It freezes and re-heats well, always as yummy if not more so than the night it was cooked.
Home-Made pizzas on Lebanese bread, fun to make with the kiddies, yummy and healthier than buying pizza.
Steak, sausages & vegetables with a creamy Mushroom Gravy.
Left-over Lasagne with Chips & Garlic Bread….. quick and easy, great meal for mondayitis.
Mild Indian Beef Curry in the slow cooker served with Jasmine Rice.
Home-made rissoles and vegies with gravy…. mmmm perfect for this wet, wild and wooly weather :o)
What’s for dinner in your home this week?
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I found this over at Daisy, Roo and Two, I so often think and talk about all the things I hate about me, in the spirit of positive thinking I thought I would try and join in. So here goes….
I ❤ that I am on top of my Domestic Goddess game at the moment! I am flying through the washing and tidying and cleaning….. please leave your white gloves at home, my home is by no means perfect but pretty good on Moodi Mumma standards!!
I ❤ that I have been able to create not 1, not 2 but 3 beautiful little girls… with a little help from hubby of course ;o)
I ❤ that I am always seeking to better myself and my life for my little family and I
I ❤ that I am learning to love myself and look for the positives in life
I ❤ that I am kind, helpful and caring
I ❤ that I am beginning to believe in myself and am ready to prove to myself I’m worth the effort I always dedicate to everyone other than myself!
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>I am studying Community Services Work and have some questions that I need to gather different opinions on, I would love if my Blogging community could help me out :o)
The questions are about values, belief and attitudes. Be honest and open, there will be no judgement from me & any judgmental or rude comments relating to anothers answers will not only be NOT tolerated but deleted.
Here we go….
1. Manners – are they old fashioned? Do they hold a high or low value in your life?
2. Pride – are there things you need to be proud of? Do you value pride or humility?
3. Clothes – how important are clothes, at work? At play?
4. Behaviours on the sports field – What behaviours do you value? Sportsmanship? Winning? Team Spirit? Individuality?
5. Family life – Do you value family life? What do you value about family life?
Thank you for your input, I’m looking forward to reading about your different values and beliefs.
Hmm I guess it’s only fair I share mine considering I’m asking you to share with me, yeah?
1. I don’t believe Manners are old fashioned. They hold high importance & value in my life.
2. I believe there is a time an place for both pride and humility, both can be ‘used’ positively and negatively. I am more comfortable with humility, but am finding pride a little easier these days :o)
3. I believe clothes to be a necessity & whilst I appreciate and wish I could own more lovely items, I don’t hold too much value in them. I like them to be clean, comfortable well fitting and suited for the climate. I think society puts a lot of value on clothing, styles, fashion etc which causes me to worry about it more than I care to.
4. I believe in sportsmanship, I really despise bad sportsmanship and bad sideline parents. I don’t think winning is important, but everyone likes to from time to time, and I think team moral needs a win every once in a while. While I think Team Spirit is very important, I also believe that indiviual achievments and progress should be acknowledged, supported and celebrated.
5.My family life is the thing I value most in my life. I value having that partner in life who loves you, accepts your Love and who you are as a person. Children to love, teach, guide, enjoy and adore. People to share the world and its events with, that will face the world and it’s challenges with you.
Family Life to me = LOVE, FUN, HAPPINESSS, SHARED SADNESS, KINDNESS, UNDERSTANDING, A SAFE PLACE IN LIFE.
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* The cost of Grocery shopping when planning to have dinner guests is HUGE…. but is far cheaper than going out to dinner or ordering in.
* It’s lovely having dinner guests and getting the opportunity to try new recipes and put on a yummy spread ~ my family are picky eaters and putting out a spread for us would be wasted!
* I don’t hang my washing on the line half as often as I should, but I feel so good when I do :o)
* ‘Home Readers’ are a great way to spend one on one time with my twins and make me so proud of each of their learning achievements
* It’s not a great idea to blog while waiting for the oil to heat up in the fryer or for the kettle to boil, your cuppa to cool down etc, etc…. way too distracting!!
* As good as I am becoming at dealing with the 3 shift roster and the week of Dogwatch, I cannot wait for this week to be over! Bring on Friday!!
>Last year I created a 30 b4 30 list, my number 11 was cook a cookbook meal at least once a week. To help me achieve this and become more organised in my kitchen and grocery shopping I am dedicating Wednesdays to my weekly meal planner. Our pay falls on Wednesday one week and Thursday the next, so I feel Wednesday’s a great day to plan ahead :o)
Roast Chicken & Veggies, trying out the new ‘Cook in a Bag’ by Continental in a Classic Roast Chicken seasoning. You can cook the chicken and the veggies in the bag, all within an hour! This makes a roast something I can achieve on a weeknight, even after getting home from Ballet Lessons :o)
Rigatoni Pasta served with a rocket salad & hot bread stick. Trifle for dessert :o) I have my Mum and Dad coming over for dinner and to spend some time together, so I have picked out this meal from my ‘Jamie Oliver ~ 30 min meals’ cook book. This kills 2 birds with 1 stone on my 30 b4 30 list as I am making a cookbook meal as well as having guests over for dinner :o)
BBQ Meats served with a Roast Pumpkin & Sweet Potato Salad, a Potato bake and a Ciabatta Loaf, with a chocolate Bavarian for dessert. We are having guests over for dinner on Saturday night too, always the way don’t have any visitors for weeks on end and then end up with two lots on the one weekend!
Chicken & Spinach Risotto, something warm & filling for a Sunday night that will also make good left overs for Woodi to take to Work the next day for Dine on afternoon shift.
Spiral Bolognaise served with Garlic Bread ~ easy to make when I am on my own and leftovers that heat well for Woodi the next night at work.
My Mumma’s Special Mince & Rice dish, a yummy and hearty dish that also makes a good leftover meal for Woodi.
Chicken Supper Ready – ‘Easy Slow Cooker Cookbook’ recipe, I think after a week of full on cooking I will be looking forward to a slow cooker meal… chuck it all in and dish it up hours later for dinner, Nice :o)
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One Lovely Blog Award
Wow!!! I am absolutely stoked and almost… almost speechless!!
I want to say a huge Thank you to Daisy from Daisy, Roo & Two for awarding me my 1st ever blog award!! I am so glad I found Daisy on her lovely blog (Twitter, Instagram & Facebook lol), we have a lot in common & she is an amazing and ‘real’ writer with interesting and heartfelt posts. Please go visit her blog with lovely posts and fabulous photos of her beautiful girl Roo & Two sweet boys!!
Now the hard part… 7 Fun facts about me….. eeek!
1 The four people in the world most likely to drive me nuts, make my hair go grey, drive me to tears and have me whining and moaning like a Moodi Mumma………ARE the very reason for my existence, the light in my day, the smile on my face and my inspiration to be and do better
My heart, my soul, my world ❤
2 I giggle at odd times… when I’m over-tired – for days on end when I found out I was having twins – when I’m nervous or scared about someones reaction to something,
ie Whilst dating, Woodi & his Twin Brother were wrestling in his bedroom. Woodi picked his twin up and kind of, sort of, by accident… but not quite, threw his brother into the wall, leaving a back sized hole! Woodi told MIL she better come look at the ‘little’ hole they had made, I was nervously giggling like a school girl. Turns out she was more pissed of at my ‘laughing’ than the hole in the wall :oS
3 I am and have forever been in awe and love with faeries and magic. I am often described as being in my own little world or off with the faeries…. and honestly what better place to be when your not really here?? I love images of faeries from the cute, sweet and innocent, to the dark, secretive and seductive. My fave fairy artist is Amy Brown, here is some of her work:
I’m obsessed, it was soooo very hard not to add them all! Images from www.amybrownart.com
4 If I were financial I would be covered in tattoos, I’m not a lover of being overly tattoo clad, but I love individual tattoos of meaning and have around 7 works I am desperately eager to have on my body.
5 I love Mexican food, Woodi proposed to me on my 21st Birthday at my fave Mexican Restaurant on the Gold Coast….. mmmm Mexican
6 I am still such a teenager at heart, loving teen books and movies and memories
7 Despite the above I feel old preferring my Flannel PJ’s, cups of tea & bed-socks to getting dressed up and having a night on the town or having a backyard party in the cold
Now I get to pass on the lovely gift to 5 Lovely Bloggers:
A little Green Blog of Calm – A new blog but so lovely
Wild Hope – I’m only new to visiting this blog, but am looking forward to reading more
Butterflies and Breezes – a lovely down to earth blog
Bogue Living – funny, real, down to earth
Life As Mummy Max – My besties new blog site, previously Daddy Mummy and Kiddie Max
Thank you Daisy for the award and the experience :o)
>Nothing like waking up a little late, rushing around getting the kids fed and organised for school, make the lunches, pack the bags, do one hair and then…… brushing Moo’s hair I find the dreaded eggs!!
Bloody head lice!!
Teeny tiny eggs….. her hair riddled with them :o(
And so it begins… I have to get the kids to get undressed, unpack their school, get into home clothes and pack their crap away while I call the school and inform our neighbors.
As if the nits alone aren’t enough in a family with 3 young girls, I have the joys of stripping the beds the only sets of flannelette sheets we own and have the mission of trying to wash and get them dried whilst it is raining and our dryer is on the blink….. freaking awesome NOT! With teeth clenched I strip the freakin beds and try to ignore the overflowing washing baskets as i stuff the linen in the machine and pray I can get it dried. Trying to ignore the huge ass basket of washing that needs folding….
and get down to the nitty gritty! Armed with a bottle of KP and a nit comb I make my way through Moo’s hair… I douse her, let it sit, rinse her then attempt to comb the eggs out….. BUT
Super fine hair + Teeny tiny eggs = nit comb not working
resulting in me having to go through strand by strand removing eggs by hand – shoot me now!!
Thankful for small mercies, Loo & Boo didn’t have the dreaded “eggs” but I decided to douse and comb Boo just in case and settled for rubbing some eucalyptus oil through Loo’s hair as a preventative measure.
So with the girls having rest time, you’d think I’d be folding that washing…. but instead I’m blogging and scratching my head in nit-paranoia!!
Moodi Mumma's Musings 